i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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