I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Can I color on your dick again?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
