Ketchup is God's man juice
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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