how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize