I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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