Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
