Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
