I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
