The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
