my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize