if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
