I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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