why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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