I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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