I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
