i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think I won the penis lottery.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
