I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
