ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
