Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
