I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
