do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
