You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Acid is not a monday night drug
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
