the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
