Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Vodka?
Forever.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize