Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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