dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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