And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
