well I can't set my house on fire every night
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
