Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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