Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
