is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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