Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
