Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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