I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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