Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
