Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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