I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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