Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
