Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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