i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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