Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
