So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Randomize
