i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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