I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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