He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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