Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
