i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
