I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
