This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
