Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
