I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
