It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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