Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
