I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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