I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
