yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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