M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
