i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
